How to Help Your Pastor Raise His Kids

My wife and I have four children, though I am not sure you can call four 15 to 20 year olds “children” anymore, but they are some of the greatest joys of our lives.  They have been an integral part of our lives and ministry here in New York ever since the day we arrived.  When we first arrived they were 2, 3, 5, and 7 years of age, so they have grown up here in what many call the “Graveyard of Preachers.”  They have always been involved in our ministry from day one.  When they were very young, we sang together and they would be our visitation partners when we went door to door.  

As they grew into teens the singing did continue but they started to fill more grown up roles such as nursery workers, helping in junior church, and even teaching a Sunday School class from time to time.  Whenever there is a banquet for the adults, my kids have become the default child care providers for those who attend is a prime example of their service.  But now as they are growing into adulthood, their roles are changing again as our oldest is in her sophomore year at Christian college preparing for ministry and the second is preparing to join her this coming fall by working to pay her way next year.  They all still serve in ministry, but, they are becoming adults and thus their decisions are more focused on future life.  The remaining two are trying to finish high school while seeking what the Lord would have them do in the days ahead.  But it is safe to saw that all my “children” still serve within our church ministries wherever needed.  

More then anything else, I am so thankful that my children have confessed Christ as their Savior and seem to love Him and His way.  They also genuinely love their church and their church family.  I never have to drag them to church as they love going and spending time with both young and old at each service.  I usually have to pull them away from the church folks after service is done instead of finding them in the car waiting to go home.  This is no accident, as both our family and our church “family” are a part of that development.  I truly believe that our church family should be praised for helping us because though our children were raised by my wife and I, our church family gave us the liberty we needed to raise OUR children.  

My question is are you helping your pastor and his wife raise their kids?  I don’t mean are you actually raising them, but are you helping the pastor’s family by giving them the freedom, the encouragement, and sometimes the needed “tools” to raise their children within your church family?  Too often the term “the preacher’s kids” has become a badge of shame and ridicule instead of a badge of honor.  Now it is true that some preacher’s kids are bad apples and not living like they should, but sometimes these bad preacher’s kids have been aided down that path of rebellion because church people have been expecting more from the preacher’s kids than they should be.   I am not blaming the church members for the heart of rebellious PKs, but I do want to help minimize the negative influence. 

This past Sunday during our afternoon service, I thanked our church for letting their pastor’s kids grow into the young people they are today mainly because our church did not have unrealistic expectations.  So I say it here publicly, “Thank you Valley Bible Baptist Church of Cobleskill, NY for allowing my children to be children.  Thank you for letting them be human and letting me and my wife raise them as we saw fit and not as you felt they should be.  I never heard a word against them or us because of them.  Thank you!”  

And now I want to take a moment of your time and give you a few points to ponder about helping your pastor and his wife raise their children. 

1. Remember that the pastor’s kids are still just kids.  So often the pastor’s kids are expected to behave beyond their years.  They are expected to be at every event and to behave in a flawless manner, because, well, they are the pastor’s kids.  1 Timothy 3:4 is too often used to set up the expectation for the pastor’s family and sometimes that level of expectation is that the kids belonging to the pastor can’t actually be kids.  They are too frequently expected to not behave like all the other kids do and they are expected to know more than all the other kids do, because they are the pastor’s kids - “Don’t run in church” comes to mind right here.  Now mind you I do believe that my children should live an example, but not because they are the pastor’s children but because they name Christ as their Savior.  Paul told Timothy to “be and example” of the believer” in 1 Timothy 4:12.  But with that said, don’t forget that your pastor’s kids are still kids and they will behave as kids do, so give them the space they need to be children.  My children have made mistakes like hiding behind the communion table before service, breaking a window at the church with a snowball, and just doing things that all kids do.  They were not malicious things, just childish things, and our church family accepted the fact that pastor’s kids make mistakes too.  Don’t ever put unrealistic expectations on your preacher’s kids as it makes them feel they can never be good enough for you and that makes their parent’s task even more difficult.
2. Remember that the pastor’s kids were born into the ministry not called into it.  I was called by God into the ministry when I was about 17 years of age even though my father was in the ministry my entire life.  The calling of God into “full time” ministry does not fall on every person, and that includes the pastor’s kids.  Many of them were born into the ministry and not called into it themselves.  They had no say whether their father was going to be a pastor and they had no say on whether they were going to judged by a unique set of standards because they are “the preacher’s children.”   They were born into a family that has uniquely been called to sacrifice themselves daily for people, but remember that call does not mean every church member has the right to expect the pastor’s children to mirror their father in everything they do (1 Corinthians 3:10).  Don’t expect your pastor’s children to be at the same maturity level spiritually as their father because he was called and prepared for the ministry they were not (Ephesians 4:1).  Do you expect your mechanic’s kids to know everything about cars?  Then why do we expect our pastor’s kids to be their father in miniature when spiritual growth is an act of the freewill?  Just as salvation is not passed from one generation to the next, neither is the call of God into ministry passed down automatically.  Let me also add that unfortunately there are some IFB circles where if a pastor’s child doesn’t follow their father into ministry, there is a feeling that the pastor has failed somewhere in his ministry and that is a shame to see.  Remember that in Revelation 22:12 the Lord Himself says that His reward is given to “every man according to his work” not his father’s work.  Let the pastor’s kids be themselves and accept that they are simply living through their father’s calling until they get their own direction.
3. Remember that the pastor’s kids are a target of Satan (1 Peter 5:8).  I don’t think anyone would refute that a pastor is always under assault from the Devil.  Now I do not mean that the Devil assaults a pastor uniquely but that Satan knows when a pastor falls into sin the repercussions go way beyond just his life.  It is biblically true that pastors should be held accountable for their sin just like any other person, but when Satan gets a pastor to fall into sin everyone in his family, church, and community suffer (1 Timothy 3:4).  Just this past week an IFB pastor was arrested for a sexually deviant act and it made national news which gives us all a black eye in the world’s estimation.  This happens because people struggle to separate a single pastor’s personal failures from the reputation of all churches and the cause of Christ as a whole.  But if Satan wants to destroy the pastor, could the same can not also be said somewhat for the pastor’s family?  If Satan can get his wife or children to fall, then the ministry is also affected too.  How many men of God had their ministry side tracked because their children or wives made mistakes?  And to add to this struggle, every preacher’s kids knows they are under the microscope and the pressure that brings.  As a pastor’s son myself, I always knew that my father’s ministry hung on my actions.  I knew that if I grievously sinned, I could end his ministry and that is a unique burden that PKs have in common.  If you struggle to see my point, ask yourself when was the last time a doctor was asked to stop being a doctor because his/her child was arrested?  Yet if a IFB pastor’s son was found drunk, his church would probably be asking him to resign and rightfully so according to 1 Timothy 3:4.  So, PLEASE, pray for your pastor’s kids and encourage them as you should your pastor.  I am so thankful for a church family here at Valley that seeks to honor and encourage my children at the same time they honor my wife and I.  I can honestly say that the reason my children have as much influence in our church as I is because their testimony which our church family has helped to protect.  They pray for my kids’ protection and I am grateful for that.  They know my kids have a target on their back and they try not to shoot at it….Satan put that target there and my church helps pull the arrows out when he shots there!
4. Remember that the pastor wants his children to do right more than you do.  The next time you see your pastor’s kids doing something wrong, rather than just getting angry and self righteous, pray for the family.  Remember that the pastor and his wife want their children doing right more than you do, because they are their children.  The apostles Paul and John again and again references their “children” and how he wanted them to grow in the Lord (Galatians 4:19; Hebrews 2:13; 1 John 2;1, 3:18).  These “children” of the apostles were in spiritual things, but this is also true of your pastor and his wife.  You see in many cases the pastor’s first converts in ministry are his own children and he wants them to grow in Christ more than anything.  But so often immediately after a preacher’s kid does something wrong, along comes a self righteous busy body church member gleefully telling the pastor that he is a failure because he isn’t controlling his child!  Know that your pastor’s heart is breaking when his child is struggling with some sin.  Grieve with your pastor before you get angry with him.  Get the heart for your pastor by helping him to help his children.  You can do this by supporting his discipline efforts and by giving him the time he needs to spend with his children.  You see, when a child is spiritually or morally struggling their parents need to spend more time with them not just discipline them more.  Discipline is important but gaining the heart their children takes time (Proverbs 23:26).  But if a church doesn't give their pastor the time and tools to win his children’s heart then the situation just spirals out of control.  Don’t take him away from his family more when his kids are struggling, give him more time with them by sending them away as a family. Invest in them as a family instead of tearing them down because the pastor’s kids are struggling.  Help your pastor fight for his children.
5. Remember that the pastor and his wife are the children’s parents not you.  This is the one point that I must be very blunt - DON’T TRY TO RAISE YOUR PASTOR’S CHILDREN AS YOUR OWN!  Down through the years I have seen people try to straighten out the preacher’s kids as a means of trying to help their pastor.  Some members know that if a pastor’s family fails, he is disqualified and so they try to “help” fix things.  To be honest this only makes things worse as it undermines the pastor as the head of his home and it undermines his headship within the church as well.  It is amazing that even after years of teaching there are still people who do not accept that biblical admonition of submission to authority (Hebrews 13:17) and headship of the home (Ephesians 6:4).  Your pastor is not perfect but he is still your pastor and he is the father to his children.  Don’t interfere with either position.

In conclusion let me say this, if a pastor’s family is truly a disaster he may need to be removed from the ministry, but let the removal be first and foremost for the restoration of his family and not for the purification of “your” church.  (By the way, it’s not YOUR church because it beings to Jesus according to Matthew 16:18)  Remember that God can protect His church without our help but God does expect pastors to be help accountable with some level of compassion from their church.   As an illustration of this point, let me say that church discipline should first be for the restoration of the saint (Galatians 6:1-2) and then secondarily for the purification of the church (Matthew 18:17).  So too should be the removal of a pastor because of his children - first for his family’s future well being and then the church’s testimony.  When it comes to asking a pastor to leave because of his children, too often it happens because the church is embarrassed by their pastor’s kids and concerned about the influence on their families and not really because they are concerned about the pastor’s family.  In my opinion this a serious heart issue and should been dealt with immediately.  

Let me also add that any pastor who thinks his children are flawless because they are preacher's kids is fooling himself and needs to step back and see the truth.  Pastor's kids should never be treated as more or less than they are - sinners in need of God's grace or sinners saved by God's grace.

If you want to help your pastor raise good kids then don’t set roadblocks in the way of that happening.  May these points help focus you on removing those today.